I have struggled with Postpartum Depression (PPD) since my first child was born almost 2 years ago. Only, I didn’t know until recently what I was really struggling with.
I blamed my emotions, emptiness and mourning on tangible things… like my first son’s birth not going as planned (or rather, not knowing enough to plan and being let down by the journey), his illness the whole first year of his life, having 2 kids under 2, my husband’s long hours at work leaving me home alone too much, financial burdens and guilt, my family and friends being so far away, my ‘new’ friends being too busy with their lives for one more thing… and the list goes on and on.
But I realized recently that all those things are just that… things… and that the true problem lies within myself. I am a mom who suffers from Postpartum Depression. I spend my days riding waves of emotion… from sadness, to anger, to emptiness, and occasionally joy… but mostly the others.
I find it hard to think straight, even though I get plenty of sleep, and I am always walking around in a fog. I feel like an observer in my life… watching everything happen around me, but not really participating. I put up walls and keep people at arms length, even though I am screaming inside for them to break through.
I am lost. I am broken. I am not me. I don’t even know if I really even know who “me” is anymore. But I do know who I want to be, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life striving to be that person… one tiny step at a time.
And one day… I will be whole again.