I know this is a taboo topic. As a society, we don’t talk about postpartum depression and those of us who struggle with it are treated as though there is something inherently ‘wrong’ with us. Or we just don’t tell anyone that we are struggling with it… often including our spouses, family and those closest to us.
Yes, I have postpartum depression (PPD). Most of you (ok, probably all of you, including my family!) didn’t know this, and are maybe even shocked by it. Or maybe you’re not. Maybe it all makes sense to you now.
Especially in the religious community, we are treated as though we are just not ‘strong’ enough, or maybe don’t have enough faith… and if we did, we would be just fine. We are treated as though it is ‘all in our heads’ and that we are at fault somehow for this struggle. Maybe even going so far as to say that sin has entered our lives and is separating us from our relationship with God and that is what has brought on the depression.
Worse than the thoughts and judgements of others is the thoughts and judgments on ourselves. It’s so easy to feel as though this is my fault, and that I did something to deserve it. I know in my heart that those thoughts are not true, but they are not easy thoughts to push aside when society seems to constantly affirm them.
The world tells me that I should be perfect. I should have meals cooked, the house spotless, and my family should always be content, happy and taken care of. I should be rested and put together, in spite of my lack of sleep, and I should be cheerful at all times. I should be happy because I chose this life and have no right to not be content with it.
If I do not meet all this criteria, then I have failed and it is my fault. Those thoughts are so, so wrong… and I believe if each of us examines our hearts, we will see the truth in there… that PPD (or depression in any form) is not anyone’s ‘fault’… and that no one would ask for this or seek it out.
Yes, I chose my kids. I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world, and I am so glad that God has given me these amazing kids and hopefully the chance to have more! I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and I would die for them in a heartbeat if I needed to. But I did not choose to have postpartum depression and it is not my fault that I have it.
Maybe my crying out for help, through spur-of-the-moment trips to the city and pain-filled posts on facebook, are finally all falling into place for you and you are seeing the big picture that I have been struggling with. Or maybe you think I am just out to get attention and that I am being overly sensitive and dramatic.
I could care that you feel that way, but I am choosing not to… because I know that someone out there needs to hear that they are not alone in this. That they are not the only mother out there who feels empty and lost. Who feels like this world is impossible and that maybe other than the joy of her children, finds that there is little joy or light left in her world.
I am not alone. And neither are you. Postpartum depression affects up to 20% of mothers, and I would be willing to guess that 99% of those sufferers don’t talk about it. Talking about it is just not done, and that is the worst thing in the world for us. We need to talk about it and we need you to care.