I read an article today that really hit home for me. It was called Protecting The Stepmother’s Mental Health by Kela Price. (**See the end of this post for a direct link to the original article.)
I am a stepmom. I have a wonderful, charming & loving stepson that has come to mean so much to me, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
But I also struggle with this life as a stepmom… somedays wondering how I have even made it this far with my feet still under me.
I chose to love a man with a child. A man with a past that will forever be a part of our today and a part of our future. I chose this, and so I shouldn’t struggle with it, right? At least that is how I have always felt, and I’m sure other stepmothers (Oh, how I hate that word!) would agree.
We (stepmothers) are often seen as outcasts in today’s society. We are seen as second-rate moms, interfering with the family unit that came before us… even though that family may have been long-dissolved before we came into the picture. Often we are even blamed for the dissolution of the original family unit, even though most people never know the real story.
Of course no one verbalizes those opinions of us, but actions prove it everyday…
More than once, when meeting someone new in my stepson’s life, I have been greeted with a too-polite smile and that look. The look that says “OH, you’re just the STEPmother? You’re not the real mom then, and therefore don’t matter as much… You’re just a glorified babysitter really, so I will politely defer to you if one of his REAL parents are not around.”
Unfortunately, this scenario is all to common… and it breaks my heart. Yes, you are right. I did not birth my stepson. He does not have my blood flowing through his veins. But neither would a child who is adopted… and would you think the same of me as a parent then?
It amazes me every day how few stepmothers I know… and really how few people I know who even know a stepmom. (Or I guess I should say – know a stepmom well enough to know what she is going through.) In fact, I can count the stepmoms I know personally on one hand. And probably have a few fingers left over…
How is that even possible? How is it possible that in a country with a 50% or higher divorce rate – so few stepmothers exist? And if we do exist, why are we not supporting each other and being supported by our loved ones?
Do we keep our ‘status’ secret, as we meet people at the grocery store, or at our mom’s group? Absolutely! Because we are afraid of the judgement… afraid of that look.
I could go on and on (and probably will another day, but I’d really like you to read an excerpt from this article. If you’d like a true glimpse into my life… or if you love a stepmom, if you are a stepmom, or if you even just know a stepmom:
- Learn to say NO! If it’s your husband’s weekend to have his kids, but you both know he’s going to be at work all weekend, it’s okay to express that you need a break and would like for your husband to choose another weekend. His ex-wife should understand that the primary reason for establishing visitation is so that they kids can spend time with their dad and not you. You are not bound by the visitation order, so if you need a moment, request it and then take it – WITHOUT GUILT!
- Create a co-parenting plan with your husband regarding household rules and consequences, which you both agree on, and then stick to it. Children shouldn’t be allowed to use the divorce as a lifelong crutch. Allowing them to avoid rules and responsibility because YOU feel guilty as a parent is not parenting and only creates more problems for the child and the stepfamily. Co-parenting plans help avoid conflict with the kids and your husband regarding discipline, and help you and your spouse create and present a more unified front. It also helps to re-create some normalcy in their lives again.
- Constantly work on building and maintaining couple strength. Schedule date nights with your husband. Marriage is work and you have to work hard at remaining connected, especially in the stepfamily. During these times, make it a rule that you will not discuss ex-spouses, kids, stepkids or drama. Date night is a DRAMA FREE ZONE!
- Learn to let some things go. Remember that you don’t have to be involved in every single aspect of your stepchildren’s lives. For example, it’s okay to let mom and dad attend the parent teacher conference. It really isn’t necessary for you to be there. Instead of seeing it as some sort of slap in the face because you help with homework, too, use this time to either have some alone time with your own children or get your nails done, if you don’t have any children of your own.
- Accept the fact that you don’t need to be perfect. You’ll be surprised at how relieved you feel when you have more realistic expectations of yourself than what is imposed on you by public opinion.
- Realize and accept that you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE! Your primary focus should be on your immediate family. No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT. You married your husband and you are the ones who have to build a solid team in order to raise your children and live happily ever after. If ex-wife doesn’t like it – TOUGH. There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old. Ex-spouses are co-parenting partners, but they are not and shouldn’t be allowed to be participants in your marriage.
- Finally, if you feel you are depressed seek the help of a medical doctor and then call a stepfamily counselor to help get you back on track to getting some balance back in your life again. It’s okay to ask for help!