To you, postpartum depression probably looks like a mom who is just a little extra tired. Maybe she has a baby who’s not a great sleeper, and she just isn’t getting enough rest. Or her active toddler is keeping her running around all day.
That must be why she has dark circles under her eyes and her smile comes a little slower than it used to. No big deal… she is just like every mom, and it will get better when her baby is sleeping through the night or when her toddler is a little older.
To me, PPD looks like a constant battle to keep up appearances. A daily struggle to keep everyone believing that I am just tired and worn out. And that it’s not a big deal. But that’s not the truth and I’m tired of living this ‘little white lie’. This is a big deal.
I am not just tired. I am lost… empty. I feel so alone… and terrified that I will always feel this way. I am standing in a fog, watching my life from the sidelines. I am going through the motions of life and not truly experiencing it. I am broken.
But I am also an actress. I smile and say “good” or “fine” when you ask how I’m doing. I nod and smile politely when you comment on how ‘good’ I’m doing at this mothering thing, even though I don’t believe a word you are saying. I put on a show for you.
Inside I am screaming for you to notice. I am pleading and praying that you will really look me in the eyes and notice the hopelessness and desperation that cannot be hidden. I am wishing that you would look past the polite smile and see the unshed tears behind it.
But you don’t, and I keep on playing the game. Doing and saying what is expected of me, and never admitting how broken I am. Smiling and nodding and going through the motions. Pretending.
Even though I’m telling you this now, things probably won’t change much. I will continue to smile and nod and to pretend I am just fine when you ask how I’m doing. Because truth is scary, and if I don’t keep up the act, you will hide from me in your own fear of not knowing what to say or do.
And that’s ok. I’m not asking you to fix me or change your ways… I just want you to know the truth.