divorce does not define me

 

DIVORCED.

A scary word and a freeing word all in the same breath.

I cried when I signed the final papers yesterday.  Ten years of my life, gone in a flash.  Seemingly all for nothing.

DONE.

And then I steadied myself, breathed in deep, lungs filling slowly until they almost hurt, and sighed a long, fresh-start sigh.

Peace.  That is what I feel right now.

PEACE.

He signed the papers.  I signed the papers.  The lawyer and judge signed the papers.  It’s all over.

DIVORCED.

A new status now defines me.  A new box to check on the countless forms that ask for your ‘marital status’.  I am no longer ‘Married’, I am not even ‘Single’…  I am Divorced.

I AM DIVORCED.

The more I type that word, see that word, say that word, the weirder it feels.

I am not my experiences.  I am not my situation.  I am not my ‘marital status’.  I am me.

I am the girl God knew before I ever took my first breath on this earth, and I am the one He has big plans for.

What are those plans?

I wish I knew.  But I’m okay with not knowing.  I’m okay.

I AM AT PEACE.

I am not an ‘-ed’ word.  I am not an anomaly or a broken, ruined person.  I am not his ex.

I am not a lesser version of myself.  I am not damaged goods.  I am me.

And I am exactly who God created me to be.  I am done defining myself through the lens of this world.

I AM DONE.

I am a Divorced, Jesus-loving, Mom, Sister, Daughter, Niece, Cousin & Friend.

I am worthy of love, I am capable of love, and I am not broken.  I am not defective.  I am not damaged.

I AM DIVORCED.

That has changed me.  But it will not define me.

divorced

Now you know where I’ve been this past year – those of you who have been following my journey, following this blog, and waiting patiently for me to show my face again.  I am here.  I am re-learning how to be me.

I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  I am so thankful for your love, and concern, your patience and your encouragement through this darkest season of my life so far.

I am OK.  I really am.

What does the future look like for this blog?  What does the future look like for my passions and hobbies and for all of you?  I’m not sure.

I’m not sure where my heart is pulling me right now, but I do know that I need a safe place to share my heart and I’m hoping you all will give me grace to use this space right here.

I will share recipes when they are on my heart, but I will also share my stories, my struggles, my triumphs and my joys.

Is that ok?  Should I step over someplace new and create a new space for all of that, leaving this blog as is?  Even if that means I’m not here much?  That would be okay with me.  I can do that.

I’d love your input friends.  This space is just as much yours as it is mine, and I want it to continue to be a place you want to come.  Share your hearts with me friends.

I’m listening.

divorced