I am Mom.

I have always wanted kids.  Ever since I was a little girl, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always… a mom.  “I want to be a mom.”

As I grew, I learned that I shouldn’t answer the question that way and I would make up some quick flippant response, but in my heart I always cried out “All I really want is to be a mom!”

I dreamt of my babies, my children, even to the extreme of dreams so vivid of pregnancy (and oddly enough, miscarriage) that I would wake up weeping in my bed as a teenager.  I never understood my longings, but I knew they were there.  And I believe they were, and are, from God.

     

But somewhere along this beautiful and very difficult journey of becoming exactly what I have always wanted, dreamed of, longed for…  a seed of discontent was planted.

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31 days of letters (day 17) a letter to my boys…

I’m leaving you this weekend.  Taking your sister and running away with Grandma for a girls’ weekend.

I know I may seem a little too excited, and maybe even not sad enough to be leaving you…

And I’m sorry.

I wish life was roses for all of us, all the time.  But you guys know as well as I do that it’s not.

And so, I’m running away.

I’m running away, and I don’t even really think you guys will miss me, and I promise I will come back a better mom, a better me, for you!

(At least for a few days!)  :o)

I love you all so much!

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31 days of letters (day 15) a letter to my firstborn…

I keep writing this letter and then stopping and hitting delete.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me.

I do know that I feel a lot of guilt when it comes to my parenting of you so far.

You are my first.  The one who made me “mom”.

And in being my first, you also get the brunt of most of my faliures.

Let’s face it…  You’re 3 1/2 years old and I still don’t really know how to be a mom.

I don’t know how to teach you. I don’t know how to encourage your good traits and discourage the not-so-great ones.

I don’t even know how to get through a single day without yelling.

The only things I do know: are how to love you.  And how to say “I’m sorry”.

I think I end up apologizing to you about a dozen times a day.  Maybe one day there won’t be as much need for that…  but right now, there is.

I mess up.  A lot.  But you know what?

I love you more than you will ever know.

Even when you whine and pout…

I love you.

Even when you sass and scream…

I love you.

Even when I am so fed-up I can hardly see straight…

I love you.

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.


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