weaning

and we’re done.

Nursing that is. It’s over. I realized a few days ago that Bjørn hadn’t nursed in a while. Days actually. He just stopped, and… I didn’t even notice! On the one hand, I was relieved. This was something I wanted, you know, something I had initiated myself. But on the other hand, I was broken. I had missed the ending of this special bond with my son, and it broke my heart. One of my favorite parts of being a mom so far was over, and… I didn’t even realize it.

So, I decided I needed to create my own last time, so that I could enjoy each moment of my son’s sweet breath, his cuddles, and his need for only me. I offered, one last time, and he was happy to accept. We cuddled and he nursed, and I stared into his eyes and savored his perfect fit until he wouldn’t sit still one more minute. I really didn’t want this to end. Yet, I did. Such an odd feeling of relief and misery. Black and white at the same time. Happy and sad.

Ultimately I am so grateful for this journey that we have taken. I have loved every minute of it. Every pain, every inconvenience, every discomfort… every experience of joy and satisfaction and of what being truly needed feels like. I have loved it all. And as happy as I am to be done, for now… I am already so excited for this relationship to begin again with baby #2 this fall!!

weaning and… stuff.

I never had a plan for when Bjørn would wean. I really just felt that we would keep on enjoying it until I felt the time was right, or until either one of us wasn’t enjoying it anymore. Well, that time has finally come. The time is right and I’m just not enjoying it anymore.

One of the most frustrating symptoms of this pregnancy so far is an extreme case of claustrophobia (and yes, I know that’s not the right word for what I’m about to describe, but it’s the best I can do). I can’t stand to be touched. Pretty much at all. Some days are worse than others, and on those worst days I want to cringe, and run away and hide every time someone comes near me.

Unfortunately, the two people whom I love the most, and who come to me for hugs the most, are my husband and my sweet baby. And oh how I love those hugs… normally. Hugs are one of my favorite things in the world, and it’s killing me that they have become so… uncomfortable these days!

Of course I continue to hug and receive hugs as much as possible, fighting through the discomfort, as I don’t think anyone else should have to suffer because of my weirdness! But nursing is a whole different story. Nursing my sweet boy is a not a quick hug and then freedom, it is sitting and being touched and holding and being hit and poked (he is a boy!)… it is just too much for me to handle!

I didn’t want to end our nursing relationship on a bad note, so the process will be a slow one and so far has been relatively painlessly for us. The first thing to go (cold turkey!) was any daytime feedings at all. No exceptions. My boobs (sorry guys!) are completely off limits during daylight hours.

Nighttime has stayed pretty much the same so far… one nursing before bed. One in the middle of the night if he wakes, and first thing in the morning (to buy us a few more minutes of quiet in our day…). We will work on cutting out the nighttime feedings once we are completely adjusted to the daytimes.

I have loved nursing my son so much. It really has been one of my favorite parts of being a mom. I am sad to see it go, but at the same time I am so excited for this new phase in our lives. My little boy is not a baby anymore. He is growing up, and I love seeing the person that he is becoming! This really has been the best year of my life so far. I can’t wait to see what’s up ahead!